I Needed To Take A Break

I love blogging. I really really do. I mean, I love writing in general - but there are just times when you can only do so much and have to take a step back to recharge. There were a number of things that have happened this past month; some of which were encouraging and some of which were discouraging. Life is all about taking the good with the not so good - but regardless of all that has happened, I am blessed and always thankful for how far the Lord has brought me. I keep reminding myself about that every day, because that is what gives me the motivation to keep pushing for more. This Xpression blog is all about being honest, transparent and genuine with what I am sharing. As much as I really want to include images to make the read/skim more engaging, this post needs to purely be words. With that, let's get into it. 

My Mom Visited, And It Was Amazing 

It was so incredible to have my mom visit me at the beginning of June. I took a week off of work (which was my first vacation in a good while) and we dedicated the time to doing some exploring, catching up and just quality time in general. We went up to my mom's childhood neighborhood in Washington Heights (which she was disappointed about because it has changed so much), we went to Central Park (which was my first time, and we didn't even scratch the surface), we went to Times Square and got some souvenirs, and went to our fair share of restaurants (more than I have been to in a while). We didn't get to do as much as we wanted, but I honestly just enjoyed having family in the city. It felt comforting to have someone that care's about me in my presence and it made my otherwise hollow apartment feel full.

My mom helped encourage me to finally get some furniture (which I've procrastinated on for months), and I for the first time felt inspired to make my apartment a home. Sometimes it's the small things that help make a difference, and my mom has always been good at reminding that I need to do more for myself so that I feel more settled instead of the nomad I have kind of been for the past several years. She ordered me this amazing mirror/jewelry case combo that I absolutely adore (maybe I'll showcase it once I get my apartment furnished to the point where I want it). It was a much needed visit, and I hope she enjoyed it as much as I did. When she left, a piece of me left with her, and even though it's been almost a month since she was in town, I still miss how great it felt having her here. It reminded me how much I miss my family and how much better I need to get at staying in touch. And it also highlighted a sensitive spot in my life right now. 

I Have No Friends, And I Need To Get Better At Making/Keeping Them

This has been a challenge of mine for my entire life. I mean, I get along with people very easily, and from what I can tell, people think I'm cool enough. But distance works its way into the relationships eventually and the friendships fade. This is in large part due to me being an extrovert/introvert. I attract people and draw them in with my lively, flamboyant and interpersonal extrovert side, but then I eventually detach and escape into my introvert side. Call it self-sabotage, call it the ways things go, but either way, I need to get better at maintaining these connections - especially as I get older. I've made it this far pretty much on my own, and I will be totally fine if I continue in my lone wolf lifestyle, but the more in tune I get with my balanced and omni-self, the more I crave consistent relationships. 

I have plenty of acquaintances, who would probably consider themselves my friends, but I guess I just have a different definition of what friendship means than a majority of other people. I'm a weird person, and I think on a completely different level than average, which I think can make it hard for people to relate to me on a deep level. I don't know - friendships to me are strange and complicated, but I have a feeling that when I meet the right people at the right time, it will somehow all start making so much more sense to me and I will finally fill a part of my life that has been pretty empty for a lifetime. But these ongoing experiences in trying to connect with others has made me appreciate the bonds that I have with my handful of true friends back home. Sometimes you need to realize what you have before you can be blessed with more - so I'm hoping refreshing myself on the value of my existing relationships will help me to build new ones more effectively. 

Speaking Of Relationships 

This is going to be a whole blog of it's own soon, but friends aside, I have been trying to date. It sucks, and I knew it would. That's why I went 20+ years without even trying, because it's confusing, tiring and a huge distraction if you're really making an honest effort. I think what's making it harder than it has to be is the fact that I'm trying to make it work with the dudes instead of just going the easy route and sticking with the ladies. Don't ask me why I'm putting myself through what is probably an unnecessary struggle, but I have my reasons. Remember, I'm queer, so I don't look at same sex relationships the same as these other GBQ guys do - frivolous and self-indulgent playtime is not my main focus, and that is a really hard thing to navigate, especially here in NYC. 

It was bad enough that I got my heart broken at the very start of the year, but I recently had an annoying encounter with a "smooth criminal". I'll save the full story for the blog I'll write in the near future, but long-story short I got ghosted after being absolutely showered in praise, affection and attention for a decent Friday night/Saturday morning toward the end of June. I'm in my late 20s and I honestly do not have the time for this mess. I take my time and feelings very seriously, and that experience was actually a good one because it has made me take a hard look at my priorities and think critically about how I invest my time moving forward. Which leads me to my next point. 

All Work, And No Play

I guess that makes me a dull boy, right? But seriously, my work is also very important to me. That's another major reason why relationships have taken a backseat - I am driven, passionate and in relentless pursuit of my goals and the achievement associated with them. This is a bad habit that many hungry people have, but when your self-efficacy is so high, it's a hard habit to resist. But trying to get my blog to a point where it's thriving, maintaining regular Instagram posting and engagement, and pushing my career to the next level is a very demanding balance. There are times when I come close to burning out, but I usually pull back just in time not to. I think if I had more people in my life and more nourishing experiences I would have more fuel to keep pushing, but in being my own source of power (outside of the Lord of course), things get challenging sometimes. 

I think what has been especially disappointing lately has been my current agency. I have to be careful what I say, but long story short, sometimes no matter how great you do and how much you try, people will not always give you what you know you deserve. I put working out, my blogging and my "influencing" on the back burner in hopes that pouring more into my job would allow me to break through and advance to the next level. But with months having gone by and having gotten little return on my personal investment, I have had to reevaluate where and how I am allocating my energy. It's times like this when tough decisions have to be made, but I ultimately have to do what's in my best interest at the end of the day. Fortunately, I have a work-ethic that will never settle for less than amazing, and I will ride that until the wave takes me where I am meant to go. 

I knew from the very start of my career that I am someone who needs to have a business of my own. As great as blogging and influencing has been for me so far, unless I do something that really catches fire and somehow catapults me into virality, it's still going to take quite a bit of work and time before it all starts bearing sustainable fruits. So I have been spending a great deal of time lately thinking about how I can be more entrepreneurial and build more of a brand/business for myself. Seeing as how I spend a great deal of time on YouTube everyday, I have considered starting a vlog. I think people like talking with me and it could help reinforce my Instagram and blogging efforts a great deal. But then I have to learn how to video edit and invest in the necessary equipment, which will take time to establish. It's not unrealistic, but I still need to put more thought into a game plan (especially knowing that I am quickly pacing toward 30 and will need to appeal to a younger audience). While that is cooking, there is something that I am very confident in. 

Book Writing Is Definitely In My Future

Like I said, I truly do love to write. As great as blogging is, it doesn't 100% do justice to the wealth of knowledge that I have swirling in this brain of mine. Now, I know that writing a book is no easy feat - it takes planning, dedication and time. I am impatient and tend to get distracted easily, but something deep down in my soul is telling me that this is something I am meant to do, and I would be a fool to ignore it. I already have a couple of books in mind and I think they are very powerful subjects - but given their complexity, I need to be very focused on how I approach manifesting them. I'm crazy, so I'm already setting an ambitious goal of writing the first book before I turn 30 (Forbes 30 under 30 sounds absolutely fabulous), but I will be perfectly content with the humble accomplishment of writing a book, regardless of what comes of it. 

I wish I would have discovered this vision sooner. Instead of dwelling on things out of my control and chasing sillier dreams, I probably could have written a book by now. But everyone has a story and things happen for people in the time they're meant to. I'm blessed to have gotten this vision at all, and once you do something once, it only becomes easier every time after. So when I buckle down here in the near future and get this first book done, I know I will naturally keep doing it and eventually establish myself as a thriving author. I declare it in the name of Jesus. 

Well, That's My Life Right Now

Probably a little too much information in some areas, but hey, that's my brand for you. I think what helps me feel a little more at peace with all of it is the fact that it all really isn't that bad and there are hundreds of people experiencing many of the same things I am. I'm getting better at not being so hard on myself, which will only allow me to be more productive, happier and easier to connect with. 2018 has been good to me so far, and I love Summer in NYC. So now that I have put my life into perspective and reprioritized things, I am excited about where I go from here. My darkest days are far behind me, and any minor set-back from here on is nothing detrimental. I just need to keep a heart full of hope, gratitude and joy, and everything will be ok. 

I hope you'll stick with me for the ride. <3