What It Means To Be Queer
So this is a topic that I have been thinking about writing about for a while now. It hasn't been shame, or insecurity, or fear that has impeded my expression - but rather uncertainty of exactly the best way to approach discussing it. That was until I saw #ProudQueers trending on Twitter, and decided to add my voice to the mix. The reception was so inspiring.
As my tweet alludes to, when you are different in a fairly profound way, it is easy for people to get confused about who or what you are. In my experience, people have often clung to the most immediate label that their minds can make sense of: gay. I want to get into all of that, with the hope of clarifying some very important distinctions that I think people need to be educated on. So if you're open to learning something new and potentially changing your perspective a little bit - I invite you to continue reading as I unpack what I believe it means to be "queer".
Let's Start By Defining
When discussing something as ambiguous as sexuality or identity labels, it is good to level set so that we are all working with the same definition of the topic.
Citation: queer. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved May 13, 2018 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/queer
- Adjective - "strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different"
That is exactly how I would define being queer. It's being uncommon, or simply unlike how most other things are. There are other definitions of queer such as suspicious, counterfeit or mentally imbalanced. That would make sense, given that queer has historically been a derogatory term used to villainies homosexuality. But as you can tell from that tweet above, the word is being claimed and celebrated by people who have learned to find happiness and peace in being different.
I Am Not Gay
Whether you would like to believe that or not. For years, I have been accused (and yes, I say accused) of being gay. And even presently, while not malicious as it has been in my past, people still assume I am gay because of my apparent vibrant and flamboyant nature. While I admit that in my younger years I claimed I was heterosexual (denying a controversial identity is only natural in a hetero-normative culture), I never claimed to be gay.
That was certainly in part to deflecting people's incessant accusations of homosexuality, but it was in truest part to me knowing that deep down inside I had yet to discover who I was and not being willing to let people define that for. It took decades of research, meditation and life experience to get a genuine understanding of who and what I am, and having gone through that journey, I now know what I am, as well as what I am not.
I understand if that may not have been entirely clear, so let's walk through a few questions:
- Am I sexually attracted to men? Yes, but that fascination and intrigue has started to diminish with age.
- Am I romantically attracted to men? Yes, and I still find it intriguing and worth ongoing exploration.
- Am I sexually attracted to women? Not to the same extent as men, but that interest has been increasing with age.
- Am I romantically attracted to women? Duh, I honestly don't know who wouldn't be, it's only natural.
It would be easy to say "it's obvious that you're gay" from my answers above, but if you're inclined to conclude that, I would encourage you not to be so lazy.
You're Not Born That Way
That may be a controversial perspective, but I believe it's true. I don't think that there has been a consensus made on that research, but at least as far as I'm concerned, your identity and preferences are a choice. There are absolutely environmental factors that influence you and direct you toward certain things, but we are ultimately in control of who we are and how we facilitate our existence. I have chosen my entire life to remain as open-minded as possible. That has included engaging in activities and choices that are contrary to majority rule. Hence the attraction toward men - it's taboo (more so a decade or so ago), it's undefined and I have learned an overwhelming amount of things from my experiences in that exploration.
There is one fact we can and should agree on - and it's that sexuality and gender are fluid. I believe your sex is obviously concrete, but how you manifest your identity and your interests in others is not that cut and dry, or black and white. You choose what you like, and you choose what helps define you. We are cognitive beings, and knowing how perplexing our minds can be, our decisions can be just as complex. My choices have resulted in a life course and identity that is different, that is unique, that is special - and to me, that means I'm queer.
No Shame, Only Love
Whether you're a hyper-masculinized (even thought I think you need to tone it down, bro) man who has an insatiable love for women, a cultured lady who appreciates the affection and companionship of men or women, or a non-binary unicorn who loves people for their minds (confusing to me, but hey, who am I to judge) - please just live your best life and love yourself every step of the way. We are in a time where very strong and hurtful opinions are flying around like the bullets of unlicensed guns, and it can be easy to get depressed by how horrible the world is making people feel.
But you're better than that. I'm better than that. We're better than that. Now am I saying let's hold hands and skip into this rose-colored utopia where everyone is "color blind", "gender blind", etc., etc.? No. I still think we need to educate ourselves on as much as we can so that we can all make better sense of everything - and I mean everything. But in doing that, we need to be patient with each other and learn how to constructively build off of our differences, as well as the abundance of similarities we share.
Talk about digression. I hope you get where I'm coming from with this. Life is too short, be true to yourself - plain and simple.
I am queer . . . what are you?
